Its okay, to not be okay

It’s been 3 weeks since the Palestine and Israel conflict has consumed my everyday thoughts. Just when I’ve thought that it couldn’t get any worse than it already has, it gets worse. As of today:

“Israeli attacks have killed at least 8,005 people in Gaza and wounded more than 20,240, the Gaza Health Ministry said. The Israeli death toll reported by Israeli authorities has not increased since at least Oct. 16, hovering around 1,400 people killed, with more than 5,400 injured”

This week, the practice of reflection has creeped back into my everyday life. I’ve found that this skill helps to keep me from burning myself out, especially in a time where I’ve consumed so much of myself into the grief that I am witnessing all around me. Reflecting specifically about the things that I am so blessed and grateful to have. Freedom, clean water, a safe home to rest my head, a fridge full of food, a wonderful job, clothes to wear, loving friends and family, the most supportive partner that a person could ever wish for, and the list goes on and on. It is with this daily practice that I am reminded of the need for every human being to have these possibilities. For every human being to be able to walk down the street, go to school, go to church, or go to the supermarket without the fear of being killed because of their race, religion, or beliefs. For every human being to be encouraged to have the self determination to reach for the stars in their lives, because they have been afforded with those opportunities. For every human being to be afforded the right to freedom and life so that they can truly see how beautiful and special the world can truly be. Why do we instill values into our society that do not encourage community? Why do we seem so selfish during times where human kind is begging us for its attention? Why in a world of 8 billion people, does something like this even continue to happen?

If it was not for the decades of people whom engaged in the efforts of unlearning all the “great things” about western colonialism and the horrible atrocities it has and continues to contribute to, participated in marches or rallies, and continually spoke out about injustices, then maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here right now with the freedom to create this newsletter that you get to read today. Because of this, I continue to commit myself to the act of learning and unlearning so that I can continue to align myself with the values that I hold dear to me, continue to identify and address my own biases, and continue to challenge myself to have a growth mindset. Because I have been spending so much time and at such a high level, tearing away at mindsets that I’ve found so much comfort in, this has also brought up some deep feelings of guilt. I’ve come across many other people on social media whom have expressed the same sentiments. It’s the waves of feeling guilty because this has been going on right under my nose and I’ve never paid attention or educated myself on it? There are other people and countries facing similar issues around the world? How stupid of me. It’s the waves of feeling hopeless because outside of marching/protesting, calling for ceasefire, and using my voice to elevate the voices of the oppressed, it doesn’t quite feel like this is stopping thousands of people from losing their lives. It’s the waves of feeling completely isolated at times because how is it that so many other people aren’t expressing their outrage against such evil acts of terror? Its the constant numbness I feel when listening to music or watching tv that has nothing to do with the millions of lives across the world that are facing these evil acts of terror.

I had a date night with my girlfriends last night which was the highlight of my gloomy but reflective weekend. On the ride there, I attempted to lighten the mood with some music after taking some hours to step away from social media and to decompress. With every song that played through my car stereo, the words that flowed through felt like death to my ears. I was dying to talk to someone, I needed to talk to someone, I needed to feel like it was okay to not be okay, and I needed to be reminded that I am not alone in this. I called a close friend whom I know has been involved both in the past and present regarding the conflict that I am only now intentionally exposing myself to. As I cried on the phone with her about my guilt and hopelessness, she reassured me that it’s okay to not be okay. She encouraged me to set boundaries with myself and the things that I am both learning and exposing myself to, she encouraged me to find community with people having similar feelings alike, she bonded with me in normalizing how I felt in comparison to her own personal experiences with this, and she both made me feel heard and seen by the compassion she leant me in understanding that I too am a human with feelings. Shout out to my friend, you are so special <3. After that conversation and a great night out with my friends, I returned home and sat in that space of not being okay once again. More tears for those who have died and reminded again that I live in such a cold world. My husband was the hero this time whom gave me the space to grieve while also encouraging me to take care of myself during this very eye-opening event in time that will forever change the person that I knew myself to be. It seems as if the phases of personal evolution never cease to end if you are truly committed to being your highest self. I am continuing to lean into the grieving process of leaving older versions of myself behind, every time that the opportunity presents itself.

In texting a friend this morning, I was reminded once again of the power I have to inspire those around me despite the feelings I seem to hone into in my most saddest moments. My friend expressed to me that they attended a protest in Brooklyn this weekend to show solidarity with the Palestinian people and their rights to be free. They expressed to me that they were grateful for the ways that I have inspired them and taught them so much about what’s going on in Palestine. Now look at that. All the time I spent this weekend, feeling hopeless and guilty because I felt that there was nothing I could do to make a difference but in all reality, I had unknowingly planted a seed of knowledge and hope within another individual who is now another voice and heart that has joined in the fight against injustice. #FreePalestine

Book talk: Remember Love by Cleo Wade

I attended Cleo Wade’s book tour for the release of her newest book following her last NYT best seller “Heart Talk”, which I would definitely recommend to poetry lovers and introspective thinkers. I am not a person whom is into self help books at all but what I like about Cleo is that she writes her books in more of a journal like and conversational style. It feels less like a book about doing self work and more like the reader is taking the time to sit and reflect about their life. I have not yet read her newest book, “Remembering Love”, but following the book release she seems to suggest that this book entails what the healing process looks like and learning to be patient with yourself. This book tour stop included one hour of a “friendship hour” which fostered a space to connect with new people and provide a safe space for community. Following the friendship hour, Cleo spent some time with her huge audience turnout, answering questions about her book and showcasing a few of her most cherished pieces.

In this very intimate space, she speaks on the importance of being patient with ourselves. Especially when we feel like we should be moving at the speed of “Wifi” when it comes to extending ourselves grace during the healing journey. She discussed in relation to everything we go through, especially in the world now, its so hard to be patient with ourselves and our feelings. She spoke to the women whom pride themselves as being the glue but questions' whom is holding you? She says “We become an object that holds everything but at the same time, we forgets ourself.” This speaks volumes to me as a person whom is continually trying to break through their “people pleaser” and “not saying no” habits, that for so long only debilitated my own personal growth when it came to setting healthy boundaries.

Outside of her discussions regarding healing, she also read a few poems from her book. The one that hit close to home was one that reminded me of a quote that was plastered on my wall throughout my self sabotaging 20’s which reads: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”. – Vivian Greene. The name of the poem is called “How It Goes”. To sum it up with her words, the poem discusses how its been raining and it rains so much that it feels like it would rain forever. But one day abruptly with no notice, the sky clears and that’s what its like isn’t it? The heart is broken, every day is sad, until one day with no notice, you find beauty again. And how this poem applies to this moment in my life now and at every time when I am in that rainstorm.

It is in spaces like this, that I am reminded that we are all battling things unknown to others but we can all choose to intentionally bond with those who are intentionally seeking to leave the battlefield and make the decision to emerge with new perspectives. It is in these spaces of community where I leave feeling the most renewed and enlightened. It is in these spaces of community where I gain a deep sense of belonging. It is in these spaces of love, that I remember that life is as beautiful as we make it. I wanted to share one of the excerpts from her book in which we additionally received which you can find below:

I hope that sharing this message brings you some peace within your healing journey. Whatever and whoever you’re healing from, I hope that you extend yourself grace and keep taking it one day at a time <3

In relation to keeping up with the vibe of this weeks newsletter, I wanted to share some music that keeps my head above water when I need to stop myself from drowning. And what a coincidence in the artists naming for this weeks feature, the one and only Cleo Sol. Cleo Sol is a Soul-rooted singer/songwriter whose music will both speak to your mind and of course your soul. Her two most recent projects are called “Gold” and “Heaven” which I would check out when you are in the mood to be Zen and relax your mind.

One of my most favorite songs from her that best speaks to me is from her album “Mother” and its called “Don’t Let It Go To Your Head”. When I’m in my deepest of depressive days, I turn to this song and find solace in the words that she sings. I find happiness in her affirmations that I am not alone, the normalization that we are never prepared for the highs and lows that we face, and speaking to the power I have to control my own happiness. I will post a portion of the song below to give you a glimpse of her holistic lyrics:

“Don't let it go to your head, love is stronger than fear
Don't let it change who you are, you are meant to be here
When I look in your eyes, your ego starts to appear
Are you afraid to ascend? Nothing's stopping you”

The song is a short ballad but enough to touch your soul, if you are willing to allow it. It’s definitely a song that will also remind you, “Its okay, to not be okay” <3

As always, till next time with love, RidethaVibe with Dee ❤️