I’m overcoming being a peoples pleaser. It has always felt like a personal mission or responsibility to keep everyone around me happy. This has gone on for my entire 31 year old life. Can anyone else relate? It feels so embedded into my character like DNA. Its feels like my body literally breaks down at any chance I take to do what’s best for me. The voice in my head saying “oh no, this person isn’t going to like that” or “are you sure that you want to do that?”. The anxiousness, my stomach turning, and what almost feels like my mind in its own internal people pleasing prison are not feelings or patterns that I want to hold close to me any longer. I’m not sure what finally clicks for someone to start taking the road of trying to overcome this detrimental habit. It’s not like I woke up one morning and said “You know what, this is the day moving forward”. I wish it was more like that, like a cartoon scene or sitcom we’ve come across. For me, it became a time in my life where I’d realize that I’d do anything even if I didn’t want to. Just to make sure that I could keep this person happy so that I was continued to be received and loved.

Re-visiting my own trauma at some point in my adult life, in an attempt to better understand myself and identify my own needs, had brought up some stark realizations in why it has always been easier to people please. As a kid, I was always trying to keep my father happy so that he would not have another angry outburst and so that I didn’t become the punching bag for it like I so often did. Throughout middle school and highschool, I was always trying to fit in, be liked and accepted, or involve myself with boys and people. People that couldn’t even get close to me now, just so I could escape being bullied. I was still heavily bullied, sadly by people who took their own traumas out on me. As a college student, I was never setting boundaries with friends and always trying to keep peace although it was never for my own peace. And from this point on, everytime I did set a boundary to fight back against this bad habit that kept everyone happy, it would slowly eat me up inside. I would set a boundary and then lose a friend. I would set a boundary and fingers would get pointed about how bad of a friend I was. I would set a boundary and be ghosted by men or manipulated to think I was crazy. It never felt like it was worth it to not be a people pleaser. It seemed like more drama would arise everytime that I decided that I was not going to keep putting everyones feelings before my own.

I’ve heard the “you’ve changed”, “you use to”, “why you acting like that”, and on and on. If only they truly understood how many nights it took of me digging so far deep into myself to work through the internal chaos. The many solo trips I took with ongoing self mirror talks and complete isolation with my own worst enemy. The ongoing tears shed for every person I thought I was or loved, the versions that I’ve come to despise and hate, the versions that never put me first, and the people that I’ve let destroy my home because I didn’t love me enough. All these people seem to hear is “no, I hate you”, “I don’t care”, or anything else that seems to stir up those negative emotions when a person sets a boundary. And that’s what I had to realize, those negative responses are not my responsibility. Bingo. It’s not my responsibility to regulate anyone else’s emotions. It’s not my responsibility to keep anyone comfortable at the expense of my own. It is not my responsibility to make sure everyone likes me, receives me, or understands where I’m coming from when I set a boundary. I’m my own responsibility.

Rome wasn’t built in a day so I wont act like I’ve perfected overcoming people pleasing but that’s definitely where I am pushing to be. And though it seems to get harder every time I stand up for me, this is the most peace I’ve had within myself in the last 31 years of my newest beginning life. I didn’t know back then what I know now and want to share a few tips for people who are on this journey with me that I have found helpful.

1. You will always feel bad saying “NO” when overcoming people pleasing. Just like anything else uncomfortable, the more you expose yourself to it, the easier it will become. People may not understand and may voice that to you but please understand that those who get it, WILL get it. It’s not your job to convince anyone of anything. If you never say no, it’ll always be a yes. Even when it’s something that adds no additional value to your own happiness but only takes from it. So internally, you will always be miserable. There is no sweet alternative for this, sorry to say.

2. Get use to setting boundaries. Not practicing setting boundaries is what I’ve found to have been my biggest issue as someone who is overcoming people pleasing. This is one of the most important parts. Get people use to being aware of what you are and are not willing to be flexible about for your own sanity. Stand on it and stand on it unabashed so that people know that your boundary needs to be respected. For example, my unabashed boundary is not playing with my time. I am someone who takes time seriously so if you are a person who is always late or cant be on time for things, don’t expect me to make plans with you or don’t expect me not to be annoyed when you are a person who can’t be on time. If any of your boundaries cant be respected then those people are not for you.

3. Don’t over explain. This is a hard one for me! After you’ve said no or set a boundary about something, try not to explain why or over explain in an attempt to get the person to understand you. Back to what I’ve mentioned earlier, It is not your responsibility to regulate anyone’s emotions. The more I explain why I said no or didn’t do something that I didn’t want to do, I find that I am still seeking that person to not take it personal and to ensure that they know that I don’t want to hurt their feelings. And as I’ve learned throughout this all, not everyone is going to like you or the things you do or say. Not everyone is going to understand you. And you know what, better for you! If everyone understood you and saw you for you, what would make you so special? What separates you from others? Did the plight of getting everyone to understand you and see you cause you to keep friends but lose yourself in the process? Totally never worth it, avoid this at all costs.

As I continue on this journey, I can revisit this again and share some additional tips that have been helpful along the way. Let this be the year where you stop trying to fit in where you don’t belong, where you start setting boundaries and saying no without a hesitation, and the year that you start to realize that you can be loved and seen by being exactly who you are by the people in your life that are meant to. And it wont ever require you to be anything more or less than you. Your own happiness and internal peace is worth more than you think <3

Last weekend, I went to D.C for the global “March For Gaza” rally with an organization that participates outside of their local Mosque. I had been invited on this bus trip by someone I had met at a volunteering session for the Palestinian cause and who had been so helpful in making sure I was connected to a group who had buses going to D.C that day. First I want to say how grateful I am to be being exposed and introduced to different cultures. To learn, to be in the presence of it all, and to hold it closely with me. I was the only black person and non Jewish/Arabic/Muslim on that bus to D.C with the group that I went with but was still treated with love and respect like I was a part of their community, like I have been made part of this community because of the support I share for their struggles. This made me feel even more sure about the time and attention I continue to provide towards this long journey. I was surrounded by a bunch of people who feel just like me, despite my race or religious beliefs. We are all bonded in our anger at the ongoing injustices and in the freezing cold of January, took to the streets and to the white house to disrupt business as usual.

When I tell you that the feelings of fulfillment and living my purpose have never felt more present in my adult life. I cant even believe that I’ve felt like this more in my regular life now then I had in my past career as a Social Worker. I guess that makes sense though. I had come to a point in my career where I felt like the system had put me in a position for people to think I could save them when in all actuality, the bureaucracy kept reminding me of all the power that I didn’t actually have. What was becoming even more clear at the time were all of the things that would never seem to change. Here in my life outside of my old Social Worker Identity, some of the values that had been stripped away within my work in a corrupted system are reappearing. I have been reminded that we all have a voice and power to make a change. I have been reminded that although the systems have attempted to defeat me, we will not be defeated. I have been reminded that I no longer represent a bureaucracy or institution and will not lay down and play helpless when peoples lives are on the line.

I want to stress the importance to all on paying attention to the current Genocide happening Palestine, paid and sponsored for by YOUR tax dollars. I want to stress that as a black women, the Palestinians plight for freedom is as close to ours as it’ll ever be. I want to stress that as a human, not paying attention to other humans suffering will not bring you anymore closer to peace. Remaining silent at this point of time just seems very disturbing and I’m not just talking about silence on social media. I’m talking about the silence in your communities, the people that you have the possibility to impact through conversation, the people who you know are involved in this movement, and anywhere else where you have decided to stay silent, just think about why? While over 30,000+ human beings have been slaughtered, live under an occupation with nowhere to run for safety, being starved by Israel and dying further through disease if not by bombing, why and how can business carry on as usual when your country funds this? I’m not saying we all should be revolutionaries because if it was possible, we wouldn’t have only a handful of greats who stood up and fought against injustice. But in your own personal life, when and where have you lost touch with other humans gravely suffering? If at this point, 107 days into the first digital genocide of our lifetime and you personally haven’t done anything at all to spread any type of awareness, the bare minimum, I’m sorry that society has lost another capable soul of saving others. I’m sorry that you do not understand your own power. Peace be to you if you are one of these people, I still do wish you well.

I wanted to share another poem like I did in the last newsletter that I wrote. It encompasses the feelings surrounded by setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. As well as the expectations we have of others being the same things that we can provide to ourselves, if you know and respect your worth.

“It was never that real”

but it always feels like it

The distance,

so far that the eyes no longer see

Words so shallow,

like the puddle I can see from my window

Lost connection,

like when your call drops in the train station

It’s always that real,

When love is involved

When trust is involved

When life is involved

Whenever and wherever,

I am involved

It’s always gonna be that real

Why wouldn’t it?

I don’t bite more than I can chew

I wouldn’t expect anything from you that I’m unable to do

I don’t ask what you bring to the table because I have always brought my own

But what can I expect to reap from you if you aren’t even prepared to sow?

How can it never be that real?

How can it never be that serious?

Can these things only be reflected in a person that truly lives to be real?

Who truly lives to take this short life seriously?

Seriously enough to cherish all Gods gifts

One of them being me

Two times too many,

I’ve felt like this

But when will you realize?

When will you learn that everything is that real when it gifts you access to a real one?

As always, till next time with love. RidethaVibe with Dee ❤️